As soon as the sex was over and my partner for the night, a beautiful green eyed boy, had fallen asleep, I was ready to get out of there. I never stayed past the sex, I might have promised forever and anything else I could think of, but there was never a moment that I actually thought I would live up to my fake promises.
Just as I had swung my legs over the side of the bed to get my clothes, I felt the bed shift. I sat there for a moment, trying to decide if Ben, the boy lying next to me, was going to wake up fully or not. Throughout the past, I had learned that it was much harder to leave after they had woke up once.
"Danny?" I heard Ben say from behind me. "What are you doing?"
"Just going to the bathroom. I'll be right back, you go back to sleep."
The only problem with using the bathroom excuse was the fact that you pretty much actually had to use the bathroom. It was a lot harder to tell if they had really fallen asleep when you weren't in bed next to them.
Silently, I got up out of the bed, grabbed my boxers, and walked into the bathroom. Since Ben's apartment had more than one room, I would be able to put the rest of my clothes on after I got out of the bedroom.
I stood in the bathroom with the door slightly open until I heard Ben's breathing get slightly heavier. At that time, I figured it was all clear.
When I walked back out, I grabbed my clothes as quickly as possible, and headed for the door.
"Hey jackass, you aren't very good at figuring out if someone is actually asleep or if they are just faking it are you?"
I had to try really hard not to let out a frustrated sigh. This was the absolute worst way that this could end.
Turning toward Ben I said, "What are you talking about?"
Ben turned on the lamp beside him. "If you try to tell me that you weren't going to leave, you can save it. I know that you're one of those guys who find people for sex and then just leave."
"Then why did you have sex with me?"
He ignored my question.
"You can leave now" was all he said before turning the light back off and turning to go back to sleep.
The next morning, after waking up in my own room, I was surprised to find myself thinking about Ben. Maybe it was the fact that this was the first time my escape hadn't been fully successful, but I couldn't stop replaying what happened.
Before I had managed to get Ben to take my back to his place, I never invite people that I'm planning to fuck over to my house, we had talked quite a bit. Actually, I talked to him longer than I've ever talked to anyone at a bar before.
I had walked up to him, my full intention to have sex with him, and the first thing that had come out of his mouth was, "Do you want to buy me a drink?"
At first, I was shocked. No one had ever blatantly said something like that to me before.
He had also had a drink in his hand already, so I couldn't figure out why he would want me to buy him another one. I ended up buying him a drink.
Usually when I pick up people at bars, I swing both ways, and they are standing right at the counter with a drink in their hand, I end up in deep shit because they already have someone there.
"You don't have to be nervous babe," Ben had said to me, putting his hand under my chin, pulling my face to look at him. "I'm here alone, I bought the first drink for myself."
Yeah right, I had thought. It wasn't like I hadn't heard that one before.
"So, where are you from?" he asked, his welcoming smile never wavering.
"I mean originally."
"Oh," I said, feeling really stupid. "England."
"That's more like it."
Before I had noticed, Ben and I had been standing there talking for two hours.
At that time, after all the talking, I thought that maybe I was getting a little more serious. After all the people I had been with, no one had made me feel the way Ben had. He made me feel like he actually cared when I talked, and you know that whole faster heartbeat, and sweaty palms thing? Ben made me feel that. By the time we got to his apartment though, my brain was pointing out all the escape routes, just like normal.
Now I thought back to that moment of doubt. That moment that I had thought I could be evolving. Could Ben and I have actually been starting something? Did I ruin a chance at something great by leaving him like I did?
I was scared to admit that I thought the answer was yes, I did ruin my chance.
See, this is why I hate relationships. There's all these chances involved that say that you have to be in the right place, at the right time, and you have to be doing the right thing, at the right time. Then there were all the things saying you couldn't look at other people, couldn't admire other people, and all of your attention had to be pretty focused on your partner. Then the worst part of relationships that was always at the end; when the breakup came along, at least one of you could expect heartache. I had had my share of heartache, I was good.
When people would ask me why I preferred having meaningless sex with strangers, my one word answer was always the same; heartache.
So if I wasn't in a full relationship, then why did I feel like someone had ripped my heart out, and crushed it to a pulp?
I sat up in my bed slowly and stretched. I wondered distantly if Ben's number, which he had written on my hand in sharpie, was still visible.
For a moment, I thought about calling him. I could(couldn't I?) and apologize for being such a jackass, but I didn't actually think that he would take it. He had every right not to, I was the one that had decided to leave, but I wanted him to forgive me.
I pushed that moment off due to weak thinking. I hadn't had an actual relationship for five years, it made sense that I would start thinking about possibly getting into a relationship again, but I wasn't going to let myself.
I ended up getting out of bed to do something. I didn't know what I was going to do, but I had to do something. If I just sat around, and did nothing all day, I'd probably go insane.
The next day started out like this; I woke up, sat up in bed, and thought about Ben. His number still hadn't washed off completely, and this time, my resolve broke.
"Hey Ben, it's Danny," I said into the phone nervously, partly glad that he didn't actually pick up. "I know that you probably don't want to ever speak to me again, but I've been thinking about you a lot since that night, and first I want to apologize, and if you take that I'd love to take you out to dinner. Uh, I'm not trying to get you to have sex with me again, I really just want to see you again."
I figured that I had made myself sound like enough of an idiot, so I stopped there. I just said bye and hung up.
After that, you wouldn't believe how nervous I was. Usually I eat a good breakfast after I wake up, today there was no way that that was happening. Even without anything in my stomach, I felt like I was going to barf.
Part of me, the crazy part that decided it was a good idea to call Ben in the first place, wanted him to call me back. That part of me hoped that he would take me up on my offer, and go to dinner with me. The other part of me, the more sensible part of me, hoped that he would completely blow off the message and still think that I was the world's biggest jerk.
Right as I was going to get into the shower, I saw my phone go off. I figured that I should keep it near me, just in case, and it looked that just in case was a smart idea.
I grabbed the phone quickly and answered. I didn't even check the caller ID.
"Hey mate," James said on the other end. I'm not going to lie, I felt a bit disappointed.
"We have to hang today. Do you want to go to a bar and grill for lunch around noon?"
"Sure, why not."
James told me that he would pick me up, he didn't trust me driving myself, and we talked a little longer, even though I hate talking on the phone.
When he hung up, I really wondered why I had agreed to go get lunch. Minutes before I had decided my stomach was too queasy from nerves to eat breakfast, and that feeling still hadn't gone away.
I ended up deciding that was future Danny's problem.
At noon exactly, James pulled up and started honking. I put Lucy and Belle into their cages, I loved them but I didn't want to come home to find that they had torn the place up, checked my phone for the millionth time, and headed out the door.
"So how's your continued single life?" James asked me when I had settled into the passenger seat.
"Pretty damn good."
"No it isn't," he said with a grin plastered to his face.
I looked over at him, one eyebrow raised. "What do you mean?"
"Danny, you're human, it's been five years since your last actual relationship, and you
checked your phone at least five times before you got in. Who is it?"
I sighed. "It's a boy, a beautiful, tall, green eyed boy. I met him at the bar, we hot talking, he took me to his place, we had sex, and I left. He woke up before I could leave though."
"And?" James asked, like he had missed something.
"Usually I don't feel bad when I leave, but this time I did even before he woke up." I paused. "I guess my first mistake was talking to him for two hours."
"You don't usually talk to the people you are going to shove your dick into?"
Rolling my eyes I said, "Yeah, but I don't talk to them for that long. I usually find out their name, seduce then a little, and fuck them. Ben was different."
As we walked into the bar and grill, James didn't say anything. I couldn't figure out if it was because he didn't have anything to say, or because he wanted to be seated before he said anything. I just wished he would tell me already.
"Alright Danny," James said after we had sat down in a booth, we had gotten drinks, and our orders had been taken, "It seems pretty obvious to me that you actually like the boy."
"That hadn't occurred to me," I said, my voice oozing with sarcasm.
James went on like he hadn't heard me. "I think that you should try calling him, assuming that you have his number, and try apologizing."
"Did I forget to mention that I did that already? I was so nervous after I called him that I couldn't eat breakfast. I wasn't even sure if I would be able to eat here."
"What did he say?" James asked with a look of full-fledged curiosity on his face.
My heart seemed to plummet when I thought about what I had to say next. "I got his voicemail."
When I had called Ben and got his voicemail, I had assumed that he had still been asleep. Not until now did I realize that he could have ignored the call. I could have known for sure if I could remember if I had given him my number or not.
James started talking again, but I somewhat ignored him. I was too busy drowning in my sorrows to listen to his theories of how else I could get Ben to talk to me.
"Danny, Danny, Danny, Danny," I heard James saying when I became aware of everything again.
"You zoned out mate, I've been sitting here repeating your name for at least the last five minutes."
Before James could answer, I heard his voice. I couldn't believe my luck until I turned around to see him sitting with a girl.
"James," I said, not taking my eyes off of Ben, "That's him, that's the boy that has ruined my perfect single life."
James turned around. "You mean the guy with the tattoos that's sitting at the booth with that really hot chick?"
If I thought I wanted to stab James then, believe me when I say I did, my want to stab him was nothing compared to after he said his next comment.
"From what I'm seeing, it doesn't really look like he swings your way."
I got up right then and there. To tell you the truth, from what I was seeing, it did look like he didn't swing my way, even though I went both ways. The girl he was sitting with kept touching his arms, when she came to the table she messed up his hair, and they both kept laughing. I felt really jealous, I wanted so bad to be her, so I hoped that what I was seeing was actually magnified because of the jealousy.
"Hi Ben," I said, walking right up to the table, stopping them from laughing.
Ben looked from me to the girl, then back to me. "Uh, hi Danny."
"Can I talk to you for a second?"
He looked at the girl like he was asking for her permission. When she gave him the slightest nod, he stood up and we both walked outside.
"Danny, what do you want?"
"Did you get my voicemail?"
"No," he said with what sounded like an irritated sigh. "I dropped it in the toilet this morning."
"Oh, uh, well, I just wanted to apologize for what happened the other night."
Ben looked at me suspiciously. "Why? I've encountered enough guys like you and I've never been apologized to before."
"I don't know exactly why, but I felt like I needed to. Since I left your place, I haven't been able to stop thinking about you. You have totally changed how I look at relationships. Five years ago, I found out my girlfriend, who I had been going to ask to marry me, had been cheating on me. After that, I turned into a guy who was afraid of commitment. I did think about staying with you, but then I remembered her and didn't want to get hurt again."
Ben smiled at me and put his hand on my arm. "You could have told me that when we were talking at the bar. I would've understood if you ended up leaving. I really like you Danny."
"So do you think you would get dinner with me sometime?"
Ben nodded enthusiastically.
Before I could get too caught up in the prospect of having Ben as mine, I remembered that inside the building were two people waiting for us. Of course at that same moment, I remembered that the person that was waiting for Ben was a very attractive female.
"Ben, who's the girl that you're here with?"
He smiled at me like he knew exactly why I was asking. I was fairly certain that he did actually know.
"Danny, that's my sister."
I sighed in relief. Other than a seemingly closes relationship with his sister, Ben was mine.